I’M SWIPING LEFT, I’M YELLING TINDER!!!
1. Group shots. I’m sorry, which one are you?2. Being in a group shot, only for you to swipe to the next photo and they’re not the hot one.3. Gym pictures. We get it, you’re swoll.4. After matching, totally ignoring your messages forever.5. Or even worse, messaging you MONTHS after matching. ~ time flies ~6. When people say they’re “just checking this out” on their profile.7. Or when they say they’re so OVER Tinder on their profile. Cool story, bro.8. Also, people who say they’re deleting Tinder soon. GOOD FOR YOU.9. Headshots. This is Tinder, not Broadway, honey.10. Creepy mirror shots.11. Weird, specific come-on lines that are supposed to make you feel sexy.12. Having pictures of something other than themselves as one of their profile photos.
13. Tinder Moments. Just like, every single Tinder Moment.14. People who look too happy in the profile picture.15. People who try to look tough in their profile picture.16. People who try to look fierce in their profile picture.17. If someone only has one Tinder profile picture. I NEED MORE TO JUDGE YOU.18. Actually, at a minimum, anyone who has less than three pictures on Tinder is just rude.19. Inspirational quotes on a Tinder profile? Not cute. This is a dating app, not an installment of “Chicken Soup For The Soul.”20. Selfies in a car. Great, you can drive.21. Any pictures with sunglasses. You’re not a celebrity, you can take those off now.22. People who have their gender setting wrong on Facebook, so they come up in the wrong Tinder search. This is like Online Dating 101, people.23. People who are posing in their Tinder pics. I’m not Tyra Banks, and this is not America’s Next Top Model.24. Bathroom mirror selfies. Bae, it’s not 2008 and this ain’t Myspace.
25. People who just message “hey.”26. Conversely, people who send you a long-ass first message. Slow down, neither of us is dying anytime soon.27. People who say they have standards. Great, same here.28. People who promote anything they’re working on at the moment. I want a date, not an Uber discount or a download link for your mixtape. Thanks anyway!29. When someone gives directions to swipe left if you’re a certain type of person. No, I won’t swipe left because I’m too tall. I will swipe left if you’re a douchebag.30. People who look TOTALLY different in one photo to the next. 31. Anyone who says what they’re looking for. This is a dating app, isn’t it obvious what you are looking for?32. People who say they want someone with a sense of humor. No shit, Sherlock.33. Also, people who say they are looking for someone who is “down-to-earth” or “chill.” Sure, let me just swipe left because I’m pretty much Sergeant Crazy Pills.34. Bizarre pictures. Aren’t you supposed to be impressing me?
35. People who misspell words in their profile. If you can’t differentiate between “their” and “they’re” I won’t let you go “there.”36. Conversely, people who say in their profile that they don’t want to date someone who doesn’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re.” Pretty sure we don’t need the Grammar Police terrorizing Tinder.37. People who write entire paragraphs about themselves. Gurl, I’ll buy your memoir if I want to know that much about you.38. People with a quote in their profile that they think is clever or funny, but really isn’t.39. People who describe themselves using emojis in their profile. We’re not 14 (or at least I’m not, I hope to god you’re not).40. “Swipe right if you like nice guys/girls.” NOPE.41. “What are you looking for?” 42. Blurry pictures. 43. Pictures with a weird Instagram filter. 44. Fancy/douchey pictures. I don’t need to date one of the Kardashians, thank you very much.45. When someone asks for your Instagram, or Twitter, or Facebook. Please, just stalk me without me knowing.46. Actually, pretty much everything people do on Tinder. But maybe, just maybe, you’ll find love in this hopeless place.