Social media is a wonderful thing. We use it to see what others are up to, so we dont have to call them or interact like real, flesh-and-blood adults.
We also use it to brag about milestones in our lives and rub these proverbial stones in the faces of those less fortunate in that regard.Our hunger for likes is insatiable. And to harness these worthless affirmations, we put our best selves forward by hiding our true selves behind curtains of filters and image adjustments.
If you cant tell by now, Im not the biggest proponent of social media, though I admit Im on just about everything. This form of media has become a way of life, and not having one would be no different than declining a party invitation, when all youre doing that night is sitting at home watching Dateline reruns.
However, I will admit that some users are much worse than others. These people personify the absolute worst, self-serving qualities social media presents. Below are some qualities of the worst offenders:
1. Posting candid photos that were totally staged.
A candid photo is an image taken when nobodys expecting it. You know whats not candid? Holding a wine glass to your lips, actively posing for a photo, hating it andasking for another to be taken where your hairs covering the zit you didnt know you had.
Thats not candid. Rather, thats your failed attempt at candid, where everybody knows exactly what you went through to get that flawless photo.
2. Posting a selfie and insisting you look terrible.
Everybody knows that, before you posted this hand-selected photo, there were seven others just like it in your photo gallery. Then, youcarefully selected complementary filters and image adjustments, making your photo appear as though your skin is flawless and that the image was captured in the 60s.
In other words, you know you dont look terrible. Youre just fishing for compliments.
3. Posting an image of green juice, as if you drink it all the time.
NOBODY drinks green juices daily. Theyre offensively expensive and not even remotely filling. We know just as well as you do that youre taking this photo to alleviate the guilt you feel for spending so much money on something so wasteful.
We also understand that youre promoting a healthy lifestyle, despite eating a 2 pounds ofhoney-barbecue wings over the weekend. Didnt take a picture of that, though, did ya?
4. Posting an image with too many hashtags.
Yes, hashtags do get you more likes, but as with most things, moderation is key.
Hashtagging the location? Understandable. Using a hashtag to express a joke? All for it. Hashtagging stupid, redundant things, like #boyfriend, #lovehim, #relationshipgoals or #squadgoals? No. Thats a little much. Get over yourself.
5. Using a Snapchat filter and posting it on Instagram.
We all know about the one magnificent filter that frosts your lips, whitens your teeth, clears your skin and delicately places a crown of golden butterflies on our heads. It makes us look fucking incredible.
But by posting an image of yourself with this filter on a separate social media platform, no less youre basically implyingsomething is real when we all know it isnt.
6. Posting a picture of your exposed cleavage, without mentioning that thats what youre doing.
I wonder why you posted this picture? Could it be that your chest looks absolutely immaculate, like ripe melons comfortably cradled in a bed, dressed in Egyptian cotton? Yes, thats exactly why.
Youve made no mention of this obvious fact, though. Instead, your caption only articulates your distaste for Mondays.
7. Posting the dreaded selfie and song-lyric combo.
Nothing says unnecessary post quite like an indulgent selfie, paired with Top 40 song lyrics. You were bored, and this was unnecessary. Admit it.
8. You made a nice dinner and had yourself a photoshoot.
Youre trying to make it seem like you do this all the time, but were not buying it. You made yourself a nice dinner tonight because youve been eating ramen noodles all week, and you can finally afford it. You, my dear, are no Martha Stewart.
9. Publishing several posts of the same damn thing.
You went on a hike, we get it. A picture of trees is a picture of trees they really arent all that different. Instead of going on an irresponsible posting spree, choose one photo. Just one. Please.
10. Posting vague, attention-seeking statements.
You know exactly who Im talking about here: the people who post something like WHAT A DAY!!! with no context whatsoever, so people respond withAw, whats wrong, bb? or Give me a call, girl! This has potential to be the worst quality on this entire list.
11. Posting incessant photos of your baby or your relationship.
You have a baby or a loving partner: Good for you. These two things are interchangeable because theyre both often posted in excess with the same goal of wanting attention. Youre trying your darndest to portray the Norman Rockwell lifestyle that comes with your darling child and doting boyfriend.
I understand the occasional post. Hell, Ill settle for weekly posts. But unfortunately for everyone, this is rarely the case.
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